Newsletter and Grammar Coach
Davis, California | April 2019 | Vol. 23, No. 4
Monthly information digest for EditPros clients and friends
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CONTENTS
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The importance of education is undeniable, but not everything that students learn in school is constructive. Most students who are assigned to write reports or essays of specified lengths quickly learn how to stretch their writing. They develop a vocabulary of multisyllabic words to help fill the prescribed number of pages, and they become adept at replacing simple words with phrases to reach assigned word totals.
That strategy serves students well in school but becomes undesirable, however, when they enter the workforce. Skill in expressing ideas succinctly is essential in business. Whether delivering your pitch to a colleague or a customer in a meeting, an elevator or in a sales presentation, make your point pithy to make it count.
Some people bloat their writing with phrases in an apparent attempt to appear erudite. Someone may write, for example, "In the event that payment is not received within the 30-day time period, you will be charged a late-payment fee by the rental agency." That 24-word sentence can be trimmed to 17 words: "The rental agency will charge you a penalty fee if it doesn’t receive payment within 30 days." The succinct version is more likely to be read and understood.
Replacement of the phrase “in the event that” with the conjunction “if” saves three words without any loss in clarity. We also trimmed two words by shifting from passive voice (“…you will be charged by”) to active voice (“will charge you.”)
A sentence in an article about psychological counseling declared, “Among those women who have a preference for a therapist of a particular gender, 90 percent would prefer to see a man.”
The words “those” and “particular” are superfluous, and “have a preference for” can be replaced with “prefer.” That 22-word statement can be trimmed to 12 words: “Ninety percent of women who express gender preference in therapists favor males.”
In an online blog about the Federal Reserve Board, an economist wrote, “its ability to print an essentially unlimited amount of money is due to the fact that it is the central bank of the United States.”
He could have economized considerably on wording by trimming that 25-word statement to 17: The Federal Reserve Board “can print an unlimited amount of money because it is the central bank of the United States.”
An article about a labor dispute between a nursing union and a hospital system contained this laborious 37-word sentence: “Hospitals are already in the process of working with temporary staffing agencies to recruit nurses to work in case of a strike, although it’s unclear whether there will be enough nurses available to fill all the positions.”
A little outpatient editorial surgery reduced it to 25 words: “Hospital administrators have enlisted temporary staffing agencies to replace nurses if a strike occurs, but are uncertain if substitutes will be available for all positions.”
A group that was appointed to develop a science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) curriculum for a school district reported on its progress: “As is often the case, a number of STEM-focused initiatives had developed independently across the district and administrators recognized the value of investing the time, energy, and resources into a strategic planning effort to bring coherence to their science department, STEM program, health curriculum, and career and technology education.”
Tightening that 49-word sentence begins with eradication of the phrase “as is often the case.” That expression is deadwood because the report made no mention of prior attempts to develop a STEM curriculum in that district or elsewhere. The phrase “a number of” is equivalent to the word “several.” The word “effort” (which can refer ambiguously to either an attempt or to the result of an exertion) is superfluous in the presence of the identified activity, “strategic planning.”
Those deletions and a little additional syntactic tidying yields a sleeker 35-word statement: “After several STEM-focused initiatives developed independently across the district, administrators agreed to invest time, energy and resources in strategic planning to make their science department, STEM program, health curriculum, and career and technology education coherent.”
The STEM planning group also reported, “The team continued to meet through the fall and into the spring, and each time we met, we encountered another obstacle that challenged the implementation of district-wide reform. However, the group persevered, and thanks to the relevant and useful content delivered by the faculty and the incredibly valuable resources provided by the [science education] center, we were able to stay focused and produce a strong vision for the science program in the [school] district.”
Those two sentences, totaling 71 words, were burdened with excess baggage, including needless repetition (“continued to meet … and each time we met”), wordy passive-voice constructions (“delivered by the faculty” and “provided by the center” and redundant statements (“persevered” and “were able to stay”). Unraveling some of the tangled wording yielded a leaner 43-word revision: “Meeting regularly from fall to this spring, the team encountered numerous obstacles preventing district-wide reform. Ultimately, relevant content from the faculty and incredibly valuable resources from the [science education] center enabled us to retain focus and produce a strong vision for the [school] district’s science program.”
Resolutions and proclamations are party parlors for cumbersome phrasal verbs. Here’s an example: “WHEREAS, it is incumbent upon the City to provide, from time to time, such changes in traffic regulations as are appropriate to current traffic patterns.” That 25-word sentence about parking regulations is ensnared in gridlock.
Towing away offending words yields a breezier 14-word statement: “WHEREAS, the City periodically must update parking regulations to reflect changes in traffic patterns.”
Concise language is the product of thoughtful, deliberate writing in combination with judicious editing. While that’s a time-consuming process, succinct writing respects the time limitations of your readers. To keep their attention, keep it brief.
Throughout the three decades during which Louis E. Grivetti was on the faculty of the departments of Geography and Nutrition at the University of California, Davis, he established expertise in several divergent areas of inquiry. Lou, who has undergraduate and master’s degrees in paleontology from UC Berkeley and a Ph.D. in geography from UC Davis, conducted research and taught about cultural influences on human food consumption patterns that evolved over time. His contributions to academic literature offer insights about nutritional status among the populations of various nations of the Eastern and Western hemispheres.
A few years after his retirement in 2007, Lou began thinking about documenting the events that led him on his life’s journey. “The mind is like a mirror. Recent images are like clear glass, bright reflections of reality. Past images, however, are chipped, selective and distorted, filtered by the thoughts and actions of others as the years progress,” he realized, as he began organizing his recollections. “Truth, too, changes and becomes embellished; myth emerges from fact as stories are told and retold.”
Lou is the author or co-author of several books that EditPros has published. As his manuscript began to take shape, he naturally turned to EditPros’ Book Prep service to help him publish his memoirs, titled Memories of a Nutritional Geographer, in book form. The book, intended for private distribution only among his family members and friends, became available in September 2018. The 378-page book contains hundreds of full-color photographs.
“Relating memories becomes an art as the sharp, keen edges of truth are dulled and modified by the passage of time,” Lou observed. “Despite these cautions I have presented my best recollections of the activities and events that shaped my life. My hope is that by putting these memories onto paper, I will help family members and friends better understand the complexities and evolution of my life.”
As part of the Book Prep package, EditPros professionally formatted the interior pages of Memories of a Nutritional Geographer, designed the cover, and readied it for print production as a high-quality paperback volume.
For authors who do want to make their books available commercially in both print and digital editions, EditPros formats books for print (paperback or hardcover) and converts them into e-book files for sale through Amazon (Kindle), Apple (iBooks), Barnes & Noble (Nook), and Kobo, by means of submission to IngramSpark's e-book service.
With Book Prep, authors retain all rights to their books, and collect 100 percent of sales royalties.
LEARN MORE about the EditPros Book Prep service.
Chuck L. wrote:
My boss sometimes refers to employees as "the rank and file." Does that come from military use? I’m guessing that rank has to do with job titles, like rank in the military, but what does “file” mean? Does that have to do with clerical people filing papers?
The grammar coach replies:
Chuck, those are good suppositions. You’re on the right track. The expression “rank and file” does have military origins, but it refers to enlisted troops standing side-by-side (“ranks”) and to columns of soldiers in line one behind another (“files”) in marching formation. “Rank and file” originated in the 16th century as a means to distinguish officers from enlisted troops, and in the 19th century it became applicable in a non-military context, to masses of people or organization members other than leaders.
Sometimes the expression is shortened to “the ranks” in reference to groups of employees or other people — for example, “the ranks of unionized workers.” The rows and columns of pieces on a chessboard are called ranks and files.
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