CONTENTS FEATURE: Pass the mustard and refrigerator magnates: tales of tangled homophones GRAMMAR COACH: Fielding your questions FINDER'S FEE: Recommend a friend—and earn up to $500 FEATURE: Pass the mustard and refrigerator magnates: tales of tangled homophones      Entertainer Norm Crosby turned his practice of intentionally fracturing the English language into a creative art form. The comedian thanked enthusiastic audiences for greeting him with a "standing ovulation." He encouraged "sharing inflammation" with co-workers and acknowledged that he drinks "decapitated coffee." He is known to have told audiences that "it is an extinct pleasure for me to have these few moments of dissipation with you nice people."      Mangling syntax and mistaking one word for another was a smart career move for the venerable entertainer, but is not so for people who use idiomatic expressions containing words with which they are obviously unfamiliar. Problems often arise over homophones — words that have similar or identical pronunciations but differ in meaning, origin or spelling. Here are some examples we've seen over the years. SLUMBER PARITY. A report that a finance committee prepared for the Board of Commissioners of Cook County, Ill., compared proposals from four vendors for installation of a mainframe health services computer system and network. The committee members found one system inadequate, and in their report declared, "The other three achieved parody in terms of the functional requirements that were in the RFP."      Looks like the commission's proofreader took a nap. A PARODY is a literary or musical work that ridicules another composition. The intended word is PARITY — the quality or state of being equal or achieving equilibrium. The three computer systems achieved parity with the requirements. The commissioners' report, however, is subject to parody. HOLD THE MAYO. A voter initiative in Cedar Hills, Utah, came under the scrutiny of the city council, which questioned whether or not the initiative's supporters had followed ballot qualification protocols. According to the minutes of a public hearing, the city's mayor determined that "The problem is, from the city recorder's opinion, or city recorder's concern, it didn't pass mustard and may be an illegal issue to put on the ballot, and that's why she went and got the legal advice."      That's "muster." It's didn't PASS MUSTER, an idiomatic expression meaning "to gain approval or acceptance." HOW ATTRACTIVE. The California Department of Parks and Recreation prepared a news release to announce an upcoming television program about Hearst Castle. The announcement said, "This fascinating program allows the viewer to visit the castle at San Simeon, once the home of the late newspaper magnet William Randolph Hearst." Hearst did have a way of attracting publicity, but he was a newspaper MAGNATE, not a magnet. (If he would have made his fortune in the major appliance industry rather than in print media, he likely would have become known as a refrigerator magnate.) RETURN TO DISSENTER. An article in a university newspaper listed means through which students could obtain low-cost accommodations while traveling overseas. According to a college official quoted in the article, "a youth hostile is like a residence hall," he said.      The official did not mention whether or not the stay included anger management counseling. (The article writer meant "youth HOSTEL," of course.) OPEN YOUR PORES. In an article about creating digital records of historical artifacts, two historians wrote, "Genealogists, for example, have spent days and weeks pouring over censuses and similar records seeking information on family members."      They meant PORE, which means to study or read attentively. A SHINING EXAMPLE. A reader who was puzzled about the significance of the lyrics of Peter, Paul and Mary's song "Puff, the Magic Dragon" wrote, "What's so fancy about strings and ceiling wax?"      That ignores the question of why anyone would want to wax their ceiling. (It's "SEALING wax," of course.) DOWN ON THE LEVY. Taxpayers in Iowa didn't know whether to be overjoyed or horrified when a journalist reported a "levy break." The item did not involve disruption of a tax mechanism, however. The news article said that "water has been rushing through the levy since 3 o'clock this morning," and that the adjacent river was expected to crest late that night or early the following morning. "Four miles of roads around the levy have been closed."      The break occurred in a LEVEE (taxpayers may anticipate lawmakers to approve a levy to pay for the repairs, however). TONGUE-TIED. On the Web site of a wood flooring expert, a homeowner posted a question: "We think we want wide-plank flooring without a polyurethane finish. A manufacturer has recommended sealing with tongue oil after staining. Is this acceptable?"      We suppose so, provided you can find a donor willing to let you squeeze his tongue. Better yet, look for TUNG oil, a paint and varnish drying and sealing agent that is made from the seeds of the tung tree. BORDERLINE SILLY. A Web site for dog fanciers advised that "Boarder collie breeders should strive for dog breed improvement. The hallmark of this breed is its high intelligence."      Although these dogs obtain food and shelter at their owners' homes, their owners are not charging them. They are not "boarders." They are BORDER collies, so named because the breed originated in the region of the border separating England and Scotland. EH, WHAT'S UP, DOC? An advertisement on Craig's List advertised a white gold size 7 engagement ring in very good condition. The ad said, "paid $700 for it, will sell it for $400." That would seem like a pretty good deal, unless you happened to notice that it was classified as a "1/2 carrot diamond ring." Hmmm. Perhaps it's on sale because Bugs Bunny took a bite out of it.      Be sure to distinguish properly between the words "caret," "karat," "carat" and "carrot." A caret is the V-shaped proofreader's symbol to indicate insertion of new text. A karat (abbreviated k. or kt.) is a unit by which the quality of gold is measured (24 kt. is pure gold; 12 kt. gold is an alloy mixture that is 50 percent pure). The diamond was a half CARAT (abbreviated ct.), the unit of weight (equaling 200 milligrams) for precious stones. JURY TAMPERING. In a "state of the university address," the president of the University of Virginia discussed the aging facilities occupied by performing and visual art departments. A transcript of the speech includes the statement that "Music, studio art, art history, the other arts disciplines that fall within that commission's purview are all operating with facilities that are at best jerryrigged."      He meant "jury-rig," a hyphenated transitive verb that means "to improvise; to rig or assemble for temporary emergency use." It has no relationship to "rigged" courtroom juries. It refers to improvised rigging on a ship, derived term "jury-mast," a nautical term for a temporary mast built to replace a broken one.      Misspelling of "jury-rig" may be influenced by another term, "jerry-build," a transitive verb that means to build a structure using shoddy techniques and inferior materials. IGNITING CURIOSITY. A review of the business plan of a mail-order pharmacy company stated, "It's not gone unnoticed just how successful the company's philosophy and business plan have been. So it's no wonder that other companies are trying to immolate it."      Are competing companies jealous enough to consider committing arson? Rather than "immolate" (which means to kill a sacrificial victim or to destroy by fire), the writer more likely meant "EMULATE" (which means to model oneself after).      Such errors occur because people become so accustomed to hearing phrases that they don't think about the individual words that compose them. When you're in the process of writing, remember that poring over your research materials is OK, but pouring over them can result in a messy spill. GRAMMAR COACH: Fielding your questions 1. Kathleen K. wrote:      "In a sentence that contains two subjects joined by 'and/or,' should the verb be singular or plural — e.g., John and/or Mary [is or are] happy?" The grammar coach replies:      Alternate-choice conjunctions, including "and/or," "either/or" or "neither/nor," can be distracting to readers, and connote legal jargon.      When constructing a sentence containing alternate conjunctions, the verb should agree with the conjunction-subject pair that is nearest to the verb. The conjunction "or," which is nearest the verb, establishes that only one person (John OR Mary) is the subject. So, in your example, the correct construction would be "John and/or Mary IS happy" (the verb "is" agrees in number with the conjunction-subject combination "or Mary").      We recommend revising the sentence in a way that makes John and Mary the object of the verb rather than the sentence subject. Doing so eliminates the subject-verb agreement dilemma. Here's one approach: "The decision probably pleases either John or Mary, but perhaps both are happy." 2. Izzy A. wrote:      "How do you differentiate between a 'to' infinitive (e.g. 'I like TO EAT fruits') and a 'to' preposition (e.g., 'I am looking forward TO SEEING you')?" The grammar coach replies:      The word "to" almost always is a preposition. In both of your examples, it is being used in identical fashion: to introduce a direct object. In the sentence "I like to eat fruits," the sentence subject is "I" and the verb is "like"; the preposition "to" introduces the direct object: "eat fruits." The construction "to eat" is, as you point out, an infinitive; an infinitive is one type of verbal, which in this case functions as a noun.      In your other example ("I am looking forward to seeing you"), the verbal "seeing you" (consisting of a gerund and its object) likewise functions as a noun, which the preposition "to" introduces as the direct object of the verb "looking."      The word "to" fulfills its function as a preposition in both cases.      In some idiomatic expressions, "to" can function as an adverb (as in "shortly after being knocked unconscious, the accident victim came to"); as part of an adverbial phrase (as in "to and fro"); or as part of an adjectival phrase (such as "the bride-to-be").      Are you perplexed by some aspect of grammar or word usage? Don't be shy! Ask the "grammar coach" at EditPros and we'll try to help—at no charge, just for the sport of it. 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